


(Not Quite) Anger Management

by qualmsoffyre



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Anger, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, F/M, Friendship, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 19:02:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18879313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qualmsoffyre/pseuds/qualmsoffyre
Summary: Captain Janeway is having some difficult feelings of guilt after an away mission injured 10 of her crew members, so Chakotay takes her around the ship to show her what her crew really thinks.





	(Not Quite) Anger Management

Chakotay heard the crashing of metal while he was still fifteen feet away from her door. What had started as a stroll along the deck to check on his captain suddenly turned into a anxiety-ridden sprint to her quarters. He touched the doorbell, but the only response was yet another object falling to the floor, creating chaotic noises within.

Worried for her safety--of course he would be, after the day they had had--he was about to override the security for her door when he heard a breathless voice utter the entrance command. 

“Captain, are you--” he started to ask, but trailed off, observing the mess that the captain’s quarters. There was no one else in the room, except Kathryn Janeway, so Chakotay was no longer worried about an attack. But if he hadn’t known better, he would have said someone had been throwing things all over the room, trying to injure Kathryn in the process. 

“Kathryn, what happened?” Chakotay managed, still gazing at the destruction. Books were thrown haphazardly around the floor; vases that used to contain holographic flowers had smashed against walls, the matrices of the flowers sizzling and blinking pitifully. The cushions has been torn off the sofa, along with the throw pillows. A mug of replicated coffee had spilled onto the carpet, slowly drying into the thin material. 

Kathryn was standing next to the coffee table from which the mug had fallen. Her fists were clasped tightly, and Chakotay could see that her knuckles were white from the intensity of her grasp. “I…” she began, “I… just… was so angry.” She admitted this, her gaze downcast, avoiding Chakotay’s eye. 

“I shouldn’t have let what happened today happen,” she explained. “People got hurt because of me. Because of decisions I made. And I was thinking about it, and I just…” She opened her fists, finally, letting a little of the tension go. 

Chakotay held in a small gasp. “Kathryn, your hands. They’re bleeding. Did you cut yourself on something?” He began walking towards, stepping carefully over the debris. 

“I think I cut my palm on a vase,” she replied. “It was the first thing that happened, and I went to pick it up, and it cut my hand.” 

Chakotay was still confused, but he was slowly starting to put the picture together in his head. It seemed that Kathryn had destroyed her quarters, and also injured herself in the process. “Let’s get your hands sorted out, first,” he said to, trying to keep his voice calm. He wasn’t sure exactly what brought this violence on, but he was thinking about the day they’d had. 

Kathryn had ten crew members that were injured on an away mission, and they were all still in sick bay. The doctor had assured her that they would be just fine, it would only take time. Kathryn had decided who was to go on the away mission, and Chakotay could only assume that she blamed herself for their injuries. She was the captain afterall. All crew members were her responsibility. 

Chakotay gently took her wrist in his hand and led her over to the chair, which miraculously looked like it had escaped all destruction. Gently, she sat on the edge of the cushion, still awash with unprocessed tension. 

He got up and walked into the bathroom, where he found the small med kit that was stored there. Opening it as he walked back to Kathryn, he pulled out the dermal regenerator, and upon reaching her, knelt down beside her to examine her injury. 

“It doesn’t look that deep,” he told her, as he held her hand in his own. “I don’t think we’ll need to the pay the doctor a visit.” He paused. “Unless you want to, of course.”

As he knew she would, Kathryn began vigorously shaking her head, indicating her displeasure at the thought of involving the doctor. “I’m fine. It’s a small cut. Like you said, not that deep.” It seemed as though she was reassuring herself as well as Chakotay. 

Chakotay held the regenerator gently to her palm, and then the other, healing the cuts. “Do you want to tell me exactly what happened?” he asked her as he finished. Kathryn responded only with a sigh. It had been a long day, and they both knew it. 

“Kathryn, you know it’s not your fault. You’re in charge, sure, but part of being captain is making hard decisions. You couldn’t have known what would happen on the away mission. And I’ll bet no one blames you; they are all recovering nicely in sick bay!”

“I just feel… I felt like this was the last straw, Chakotay,” Kathryn told him, quietly massaging her healed hands. “We’ve been through so much, and people keep getting hurt, and we’re not that much closer to finding a way home, and--” her hand swung around clenched in a fist once again, and knocked the stack of books off the coffee table next to the chair. 

“Captain!” Chakotay exclaimed, shocked into using her title instead of her name. “Whoa, it’s okay, I can tell you’re upset.” He regained his composure a bit, settling back to his position kneeling next to her. “Kathryn. Listen to me. There are other ways to release this anger. You’re going to hurt yourself even more if you keep destroying your quarters.”

She sighed, knowing he was right, but she looked away from. She couldn’t meet his eye. There was anger inside of her, he was right about that, and guilt, but there was something else that she couldn’t quite identify, and that was the cause of her outbursts, she knew. 

“What?” Chakotay asked. He could tell, even when she wasn’t looking at him, that there was something else that was bothering. The way she sat, holding less of her usual confidence in her posture; the way she twisted her mouth, not in a grimace meant to intimidate an enemy, but a grimace somewhere between pain and grief; the way she let her fingernails bite into her skin, even though he had just healed her palm. There was something she wasn’t telling him. 

“Chakotay,” she breathed out, finally meeting his gaze, “I don’t know if I should do this.”

“Do what?” His eyes narrowed, suspicious of where this conversation was going to end up. 

“I’ve made so many bad decisions, and the crew is paying for them. If it was just me, it wouldn’t matter, but the crew is stranded here, get injured, dying because of the choices I’ve made--” a small sob escaped her, and though she wasn’t looking at Chakotay anymore, he could see the tears welling up in her eyes, threatening to betray her. 

“Kathryn, listen,” he began, moving closer to her body, still huddled on the chair. “No one blames you. The crew loves you, and respects you, and most importantly, they would do anything for you.”

She shook her head, tears gently spilling over as Chakotay clasped her hands in his once again. “They shouldn’t feel like that,” she replied. “I don’t deserve that. I’ve ruined their lives. How many of them will die before we get back to earth? And not even because of a dangerous mission, just because of the natural life cycle? We’re stuck here for 70 years! And we haven’t found anyway to get home at all!” 

Kathryn suddenly stood, her fists once again clenched, and began to pace. Chakotay stood up too, ready to stop her if she started smashing things again. 

“Captain, just… just stop and hold still and listen to me. The crew will tell you--ask any of them, any one of them--that they do not think this is your fault. You can’t think like this; they need you to be strong and keeping making strong choices. I need you to do that for me!” 

“Chakotay, you would be just a good a captain as I am,” she said. “Maybe you should be--”

“Kathryn!” he cut her off. “Okay. That’s enough. We’re going out there, and you’re going to listen to what the crew have to say.” He took her hands in his, unfolding the fists gently, and then held her hand to lead her out into the corridor. 

“Chakotay,” she began to protest, “I don’t want this. Just let me be. Let me stay in my quarters. I’ll be fine. I just…” but her words fell on ears that would not listen. 

Chakotay knew she didn’t want this, didn’t want to draw attention to herself, or talk to her crew about anything at this point, but he also thought to himself that she was strong: she could have resisted his gentle tugging at her arm to guide her through the ship to the mess hall. And yet, here she was, trudging along beside him, maybe a frown in place, but no obvious resistance. 

She might not want this, but somewhere down deep, her subconscious knew she needed it. 

They entered the mess hall, and many of the off-duty crew were already there, hanging about, chatting with each other, some playing card games. Neelix had made up some sort of cake-like dessert that about half the people had tried. The other half were too wary of Neelix’s experimental food creations to go near it. 

Neelix spotted Chakotay and his captain first, definitely noting how they were holding hands, even though it looked like the commander was pulling her along. “Captain!” he shouted jubilantly. “To what do we owe the surprise?” She didn’t often frequent the mess hall this late into the evening. 

Chakotay responded for her: “We’re here for a little chatting, Neelix. The captain is feeling a little, well, we’ll say under the weather, and I thought talking to this lovely crew would help cheer her up.” Kathryn glared out of the corner of her eye, grimacing at her commander. 

“Captain!” a nearby voice shouted just then, having noticed the trio talking by the counter. “Commander! Would you like to play a round of cards? We have two extra spaces. Johnson and Heeva just left.” 

Kathryn turned, recognizing the voice of Sam Wildman. She couldn’t help but smile at the glowing face; Sam’s eyes always twinkled in a way Kathryn couldn’t describe. But it was inviting. Kathryn stole a glance at Chakotay, hoping he wouldn’t see, but of course he was looking at. He nodded slightly, as if giving her the last push she needed to sit with Sam and the other members of her crew. 

“Sure!’ Kathryn replied, letting Chakotay’s hand drop from hers. “I can play a round.” To Chakotay’s delight, she let out a wink. “If you aren’t afraid. What are we playing this evening.”

Harry Kim responded for the group. “Just a little 21st century poker that Tom taught us a while ago. Back before it got too complicated. You know, before the Vulcans came and made it all about ‘mind games.’”

Kathryn and Chakotay sat down at the table, joining Sam, Harry, and member of the security crew named Yonick. Kathryn couldn’t remember his first name. Ugh, she was usually so good with names. This was one of the problems, she wasn’t going to be a good captain when she couldn’t even remember her crew’s names!

Chakotay looked over and could see Kathryn spiraling a bit. She had been doing so well with their little jaunt into the mess hall. To alleviate the pressure, he said, “Alright, Sam, deal us in! Let’s go!” Kathryn seemed to shake herself out of it, just a little. She managed a small smile. 

“Yes. Let’s. I am ready to win!” she said. 

“We’ll see about that,” taunted Harry, as Sam dealt the hand. 

They played through about three rounds of cards, betting little pieces of dried fruit that had been supplied by Neelix. On the last round, Kathryn was behind, and Harry had managed to win himself quite a nice handful of pinaberries. How Harry had become so good at cards, Kathryn didn’t know. Probably from hanging out with Tom all the time. They were such good friends, it made her smile a bit. 

The final round ended with Kathryn still trailing behind Harry, though she had managed to win a few berries off Chakotay. Chakotay didn’t mind; he was glad she was feeling okay enough to be mildly competitive. 

“Good game, Sir,” Harry said with a smile to the Captain, who shook her head with a smile. “But I have to be off to bed now, I have an early shift tomorrow morning! Gotta get my beauty sleep.”

Kathryn chuckled. Sam, too, announced her need to leave the mess hall with something about Naomi waiting for her, awake, not being able to sleep without a bedtime story. The group slowly disbanded, and Chakotay looked to Kathryn. She seemed to be doing better, at least outwardly. 

“How are you feeling?” he asked, taking a risk to probe into her mind. 

“I’m alright,” she sighed back. “I just feel tired, I think.” 

Chakotay nodded. “Can we just make one more stop, and then I’ll let you go back and get some rest?” 

“You’ll let me get some rest?” Kathryn responded incredulously. “I am your captain, you know!” But she saw the gleam in his eye, knowing he was teasing her. She sighed again, submitting to whatever strange plan he had in mind. It only pained her a little to know that the first part of his plan to get her feeling better had worked. 

They stood, and Chakotay took her hand once again, noting that she was not frowning this time, although he knew he would have to be careful in his approach to this next part of their journey. 

They walked at a strolling pace through the corridor, until they reached the turbolift. As he announced their stop to the computer, he caught a glare from the captain; she knew where they were going and she didn’t like it. 

The turbolift stopped and let them out in front of the door to sick bay. 

Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, but Chakotay began to explain before she could get a word out. “Listen, I already cleared it with the doctor, some people are waiting up to see you. We’ll just stay for a few minutes. I know they need to rest and you need to rest too. Just… just give this a chance.”

Kathryn pulled her hand out of his, folding her arms across her chest. Chakotay signed for the door to opened, and took the first step inside, hoping Kathryn wouldn’t need any prompting to follow him. 

She hesitated, peering inside the room, trying to catch a glimpse of who was up waiting for her, but not wanting to enter. She didn’t want to be seen. Somehow, the guilt was flooding back into her system. She couldn’t stop thinking of the ten crew members who had been injured enough that the doctor wanted to keep them in sick bay overnight. She had made that choice. And they were paying the consequences. 

Chakotay looked back, and saw that Kathryn had not yet entered the room. He beckoned her forward, while Tom and B’Elanna sat up, cautiously propping themselves up on the pillows on their biobeds. He was glad these two had agreed to talk to the captain; she respected them very much, and he knew that they would be able to reassure her at least a little. 

Kathryn entered, and immediately felt her breathing grow quicker. She looked around the room, and saw the bodies of her crew, most laying down on biobeds, sleeping. 

But she could also picture them dead. 

Chakotay could see that she was having a hard time, and he was at her side almost immediately. “Captain. Kathryn. Look, they’re all fine. Take a deep breath. Tom and B’Elanna are here, they wanted to talk to you.” But she couldn’t hear him. 

She couldn’t get the thought of them all being dead out of her head. The more she tried to banish the image from her mind, the more it clung there, forcing her to imagine the worst. And then suddenly, it wasn’t in her imagination. 

“They’re dead!” she exclaimed, startling Chakotay, and the patient in a nearby bed. “They’re all dead! And I killed them!” She fell to the floor, breathing erratically, her pulse pounding in her ears. 

Chakotay, at her side already, knelt down beside her, and embraced her. He could feel her shaking, and could hear her breathing as she hyperventilated in his arms. He wasn’t exactly sure what to say; this was not the reaction he had expected when he had planned on bringing her down here. Sure, he had expected some resistance, and some pain and guilt, but not a full-on panic attack. He simply murmured calming sounds into her ear as he held her. 

B’Elanna, who had receive a concussion, but was otherwise able to walk about, observed the situation, and managed to stand to call for the doctor. She walked herself over to where her captain and commander sat on the floor, steadying herself against other biobeds. She, too, sat on the floor, hoping that her voice could be some sort of reason for the captain. 

“Captain,” she began, “I know you think we’re dead, but listen, can you hear my voice? It’s B’Elanna, and I’m not dead, I’m right here. And Tom is alive too, he’s just in that bed over there.” Others were starting to awake during the commotion, and B’Elanna was thinking that if she and Chakotay could get the captain to be aware enough of her surroundings, she would be able to see the crew members awake, alert, and most importantly, alive. 

Chakotay realized this too, and tried to help B’Elanna along. “Captain, focus on B’Elanna’s voice. She’s right here. And the others, they’re here too.”

“I killed them…” Kathryn choked out between shallow breaths. “I… killed…” She trailed off, as if she had finally heard what Chakotay and B’Elanna had been saying. 

“No, Captain, you didn’t,” B’Elanna said. “We are all fine. We are all going to be fine, and in a few days you’ll be bossing us around again, and everything will be back to normal.” 

Slowly, Kathryn’s breathing was becoming steady. Chakotay loosened his hold on her body, though she still buried her head in his shoulder. He rubbed gently circles into her back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, just for her to hear. “I’m sorry.”

B’Elanna continued, “And listen, I don’t blame you for anything. It was an accident, what happened. And I’m fine. And Tom doesn’t blame you. And ask anyone else in here, no one is going to say that it’s your fault.”

A new voice added to the mix, “And Captain, I don’t think I would have had the courage to even apply to go on an away mission if it weren’t for you. You believe in everyone here, and you respect everyone, and always see the best in everyone.”

“And you always make time for us, even if you’re busy. You’re always ready to hear from us, whether it’s a question, a problem, or just that we wanted to share a story.” Another voice. 

“I remember, once you told me that we were all on this starship for a reason, and that we wouldn’t be here if we didn’t deserve our space, and that you were proud of me.”

Kathryn could hear her pulse retreating from her head, and felt herself stop shaking. The words were helping. She wasn’t sure if she could believe everything just yet, but they were helping. 

“Captain,” B’Elanna said again, “You saw potential in me when I didn’t see it myself. I didn’t think I would survive on this ship for a week, let alone four years, and yet here I am. Because of you.”

While she still wasn’t able to look up at B’Elanna, or Chakotay, who still gently held her, she could hear the earnestness of the words B’Elanna had said. They had a weight to them, a truth that was undeniable. 

Chakotay was still whispering to her, murmuring his apologies: “I’m sorry, Kathryn. I didn’t know. I didn’t know you felt this scared. I’m so sorry.” It was a constant stream, played as a background to the other accolades thrown out by other crew members who had been awoken because of the commotion. 

The doctor stood by, watching. In some cases, he would have felt the need to intervene, but it appeared that the crew knew what to do here. 

Slowly, after many minutes had passed, Kathryn lifted her head. Her face was tear-stained, but her breathing was back to normal. Chakotay met her eyes, his mumblings falling silent as he tried to see what she was feeling. 

“I’m… okay,” she managed to say. “I’m sorry. I’m okay… I feel… Chakotay, I -- thank you. B’Elanna, thank you.” She began to pull herself up, Chakotay stood too, helping her steady herself. “Crew, I don’t know what to say to you all. But… thank you.

“You all give me strength, everyday, to continue on. To keep fighting to get us home.” She was standing now, and while she shook off Chakotay’s hold on her arms, she grabbed his hand, holding it tightly. “Thank you for the words you said. I’m sorry you had to see me like that, but I think… I think maybe it was a reminder to me that I am just human. I am not all-powerful, even though sometimes I think I am. I make decisions, and it’s my responsibility to keep everyone on this crew safe. But just because I am the captain doesn’t mean I can control everything. You reminded me of that today, and I just… I want to say that I am so thankful all of you are going to be okay.”

The crew nodded, smiling. They were still a little shaken by witnessing the panic attack, but they knew their captain was coming back from it, and that she was still as strong as ever. 

B’Elanna bid them both farewell as they headed back out of sick bay to the turbolift. As the door closed, she saw Chakotay put his arm around the captain, supporting her as they walked. 

“Kathryn,” Chakotay began, once the doors had closed, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t know that you had such strong feelings, here, about this. I’m so sorry I caused a panic attack… I’m--”

“Chakotay,” she cut him off, “it’s okay. I needed that. You were right. Well, I didn’t need the panic attack, but I did need the words from the crew. You were right about that part.” She reached up to where his hand was dangling over her shoulder. “Chakotay, you’ve always supported me, even when it’s hard. And you made sure I knew that everyone else supports me too. And I can’t thank you enough for that.”

They entered the turbolift, and Chakotay dropped his arm from her shoulder. He shook his head. “Still, I should have been more careful. I never want to hurt you.”

“You didn’t mean to hurt me. I don’t blame you. Like you said, not everything can be controlled. This wasn’t something you could control, so it’s not your fault.” 

“Kathryn, you never cease to amaze me.” They exited the turbolift on the floor of the officers’ quarters. Kathryn stumbled a bit, mostly from exhaustion, and Chakotay once again supported her with his arm around her. 

He walked her to her quarters, and as they entered, she turned to look at, letting his arm drop again, “Chakotay, I don’t deserve you or your friendship right now, but I just want to say thank you again.”

“Kathryn, you know I would do anything for you,” Chakotay responded. He looked into her eyes, and in them, he saw something new, a new sparkle maybe? She was feeling better. He was about to say good night, when she grabbed his hands.

Standing on tip-toe, she reached up and placed a small kiss right on his forehead. Chakotay felt his skin turn hot, but Kathryn didn’t seem to notice as she pulled away. Or she didn’t care. She swung his hands gently. 

“Maybe you would like to stay?” she asked him. “I could use some help cleaning up, if you don’t mind. And, also, I guess, I could use a little company. If you don’t mind.” She smiled up at him. “I really am feeling better, but I could feel even better if you stayed.”

Chakotay bit his lip. That sparkle in her eye meant something besides “she was feeling better” didn’t it? 

He allowed himself to be led gently into her room, thinking of how just a few hours ago, it had been him doing the leading.


End file.
